There is no escape from me eating like a TGI Friday’s garbage disposal on Superbowl Sunday. So, if your house is anything like mine, you feel like what most TGI Friday’s clientele looks like – complete ass.
You may be wondering how I can make the leap from talk of my pained digestive system to working pearls into my look… Really? I am the girl who made the connection between cute bicycle bells and sodomy. You should never doubt my ability.
I have a secret weapon in keeping my innards in good working order, no matter what I stuff down the trap. And yes, they are pearls. Acidophilus Pearls. I have taken one every day for about six months (cost ~$.20 a day) and noticed a difference on the very first day. So even though my dinner consisted of eight jalapeño poppers and a vat of queso dip, I feel pretty gosh-darn good! These teeny-tiny little gems deliver healthy bacteria into your system, rendering you free of gas and constipation and full of energy. And they are so pretty that they inspired me to look for pearls to adorn my outsides.
I admit, I think pearls have been the go-to accessory of frigid bitches everywhere. But these little lovelies have really progressed from the days of the single-strand sorority look! Some of my favorites are:
P.S. After a week off of publicly weighing myself, I’ll be posting my weight on my Facebook fan page once again today. After a vacation and football food, this is not going to be good.