Happy St. Patrick’s Day! 

There once was a girl kind of witty,

Who was living in the Queen City;

When that did not agree,

To her husband she did plea,

Now no more wallowing in self-pity.

Hello friends! I know it has been a super long time since I last posted… If you know me, you know that is primarily because I haven’t been very happy. And not very happy makes not very good writing. Sometimes complaining can be funny, but not when that is ALL you can bring yourself to talk about. (Can you imagine what living with me for the past 18 months has been like? Sorry hubs.)

But guess what???  Things are about to change and I am ecstatic about it! So in honor of St. Patrick’s Day and the serious upgrade my life is about to take, let me post this picture…

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Know what’s up? As much as I would like to keep you guessing, I can’t help but shout this from the rooftops… I AM MOVING TO CHICAGO!!!!!!!!!!! I am so thrilled to be moving to a place where I will be surrounded by inspiration and culture and fabulousness. I am so thrilled that I don’t care one little bit that it is even colder there than Cincinnati!

I have really missed blogging and getting to connect with all of you. Hope you will join me as I embark on another crazy adventure! Kisses mo charas!!

Kiss.001

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Favorite Floor Cleaners 

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Well, I knew it probably wouldn’t last. I just figured that my plan for Family Fun Day every Sunday wouldn’t end after the first one! We had grandiose plans to go to Indianapolis for the day – meet up with a friend I haven’t seen for ages, take in some art, eat some food… Those plans can now be found in the pile with my losing weight, learning a new language and trying not to talk so much shit plans after it snowed most of the weekend. Except of course on Sunday, when (after we had already called the trip) the snow decided to change course and be replaced by a big blue sky. This city hates me.

So did I go and enjoy the nice sunny day? Hell no. I decided to use my pent-up aggression to do my floors. I secretly get joy from cleaning (I know, sick). It is one of the few activities where I can really see the results from all of my effort. This week the rest of my efforts went towards child rearing and all I have is a “Mommy is the worst EVER!” to show for it. Clearly my kid and Cincinnati have the same feelings for me.  It is just unfortunate that I can’t drop Cincinnati off at school at 8am, have a multi-wine lunch and pick it back up when I am mellowed out enough to deal. But I digress…

My floor cleaning joy has been taken up several notches since I have settled into, what I believe is, the perfect trifecta of floor cleaning friends. I have had my Dyson Animal (on sale HERE) for years and it made the biggest difference in picking up all of those tough pug hairs that are stuck. on. everything. My mother (who takes cleaning to another level) introduced me to the Miele Canister (also on sale HERE), which has cut my hardwood floor cleaning time in HALF since purchasing it. And it is quiet enough to use during nap time! And finally, after years of Swiffer-ing, I realized that I was doing nothing more than pushing dirt around my floor. So I switched to an equally easy but infinitely better option – the Rubbermaid Reveal. It is just as quick as using a Swiffer, but allows you to wash the pad after each use, select any floor cleaning solution you prefer and actually scrubs tough spills and smudges out.

Pretty thrilling start to a week of blogging… And life. Nowhere but up, my friends!!!  Hope you all have a great week.

Kiss.001

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Coconut Oil is Magic 

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If you are like me, you have several very sweet friends on social media who share crock pot Beef Wellington recipes and solutions to all the world’s evils via aloe vera. I normally look at their posts, chuckle “bitch be crazy” and go about microwaving all of my meals. But when people who I normally consider sane start sharing articles and blogs about the multiple benefits of coconut oil (for $10 or less!), I figure I have to give it a try.

There are literally hundreds of touted uses for coconut oil, but there was no way in hell I was going to try all of them. So I picked the ones I hoped would work, along with the most absurd in the bunch and gave it a go. Here are the results. According to my internet friend and Dr. Oz (this is already seeming like a terrible idea), coconut oil:

  1. SPEEDS WEIGHT LOSS. Now let’s be honest, this is really the only reason I bought this shit in the first place. As of today, it has directly caused me to lose three pounds. See below…
  2. IMPROVES SLEEP. After both slathering myself with the oil and consuming a tablespoon of it (it didn’t say how it improved sleep so I figured that I had to go both routes), I fell into a peaceful slumber… Only to be woken three hours later with extreme cramping followed by an evacuation from my bowels only seen since I last double-bagged my Smooth Move tea. Who needs sleep when you can lose some weight?
  3. PROVIDES AN ENERGY BOOST.  I scooped a heaping tablespoon of this stuff into a smoothie after determining that it tastes horrible in the previous test. It only tasted mildly horrible in the smoothie. As for the energy boost, if you consider one getting a sudden and extreme adrenaline rush out of fear that you are about to vomit, then the oil did the trick.
  4. PREVENTS or REVERSES ALZHEIM….. Wait, what was I writing again? Clearly this is a longer term benefit. Then again, I did just remember where I stashed a packet of Pez candy from last year. Winner!
  5. WORKS AS AN EYE-MAKEUP REMOVER. This stuff turns from hard as a brick to slick and liquidy as soon as it hits a warm surface (like. my. eyelid.). So the tiny glop that I thought would be just enough now turned into WAY too much. And snuck behind my eyelid. Pretty sure that I do not have makeup behind my eyelid. But maybe I do??? This oil is genius. Genius.
  6. ACTS AS AN ANTI-AGING FACIAL MOISTURIZER. After liberally spreading it on for the evening, my husband took one look at me and said “Your face is so shiny! It is blinding me!!”. Translation: He can’t see any wrinkles. It works!!!
  7. CAN BE USED AS A WHITENING TOOTHPASTE or A NATURAL DEODORANT. I didn’t try this out because it is just plain stupid. Let’s rename this CAN ENSURE YOU HAVE A PEACEFUL LIFE (read: ensure nobody wants to come within 100 yards of you) and call it another coconut oil success story.
  8. RELIEVES THE PAIN OF HEMORRHOIDS (Important to note: this is when used topically. Use it internally and you get the hemorrhoid in the first place – see #2… literally). Well I smeared that little bulging bugger with the oil and waited. And waited. And waited. Did the pain go away? No. Do I have the softest asshole that you have ever encountered (don’t answer that)? Heck yeah!

Kiss.001

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Let There Be Light! 

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I won’t belabor the point on how depressed I am with my current environment (okay maybe I just did). But after literally laying on the floor while Pickle was at school for three days, I forced myself to do some research on how to get out of my funk. And quickly.

As appealing as electro-shock therapy sounded (and as much as I probably need it), I decided to take a pass and go with a simpler approach. Light therapy! It even sounds happy!!!


So I hurried over to Amazon and purchased the naturebright Sun Therapy Lamp, not expecting much. But at the very least, I would have to get off of my bathroom floor to get the package off of my front porch. Progress!

Thirty minutes after my first session and I was not only up off the floor, I had taken a shower! And put on makeup!!  My whole household breathed a collective sigh of relief (probably because they hadn’t breathed at all since I stopped showering a week earlier).

Seriously the best thing I have purchased since Friday. Or on Friday. (Hey, I may have been depressed but I wasn’t dead. A girl can still internet shop for clothes on the bathroom floor.)

Kiss.001

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Family Fun Day: Louisville Slugger Factory 

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So, I have been quiet for a long time. Not only have I been totally uninspired lately, I have been totally depressed. I have sat in front of my computer more times than I can count, unable to type a single word. (Lie. One day I was able to type a whole sentence. Unfortunately, it was a text to my husband that read “I am so unhappy I want to peel my skin off with a rusty fishing knife.” He was pleased.)

What has changed? I love my husband. I love my child. And yes, I still LOVE fashion. I just really dislike… well, you know. So what to do?

DO SOMETHING. That’s my 2014 motto. You don’t like your ass? Do something about it. You don’t like your hair? Do something about it. You don’t like anything about your life? Do something. Just make sure that something has nothing to do with a rusty fishing knife. (Have some pride and clean it first.)

First step in my DO SOMETHING 2014 campaign was to create Family Fun Day (yay!! – says no one).  Sundays are the only days that my husband has off. So instead of just sitting around in our pajamas, we are getting out of town (or at the very least doing something new in town).

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First stop? The Louisville Slugger Museum and Factory in (dum duuuuuum) Louisville.

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I am very, very wise (read: manipulative) and picked a place that I knew my husband would love so we could actually get to the second Family Fun Day.

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This bat is normal sized. I have just been on a strict exercise and diet regime. (More lies.)

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Is this an oyster with a pearl? Baseball isn’t so bad!

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Before we went into the factory, they allowed my husband to touch a bat that had been used during a game by some guy. He had to wear gloves and could not touch the bat to any surface. Really?

They also demanded that we put away all cell phones and cameras during the factory portion of the tour. I had enough of this nonsense so I took a picture of their industrial sized copy machine and pile of bats. Take that.

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Here is some other stuff that they did let me take pictures of, which made them instantly not at all interesting.

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I then got tired of taking pictures, so let Pickle take some…

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I got a rare picture of the Mr. and me.

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And about 145 pictures of her Bitty Baby throughout the museum. I should have given her the camera sooner.

Kiss.001

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Christmas Through the Years 

It is great to see all of the pictures floating around of families – kids going to see Santa, poses under the Christmas tree… So I thought I would push you all completely over the edge with cheesiness from my Christmases past. It all started here – Christmas 1977 – and seems to end (translation: I just got sleepy on a few glasses of rosé and stopped uploading pictures) when I was 15.

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Someone needs a diet. Stat.

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Cheers, bitches!  Thank you Mom for teaching me this so young.

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I can’t tell what’s sweeter… The Snoopy Snow Cone maker or that fine ass TV? And why are we making snow/ice on the carpet?

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Gratuitous undie pic. Enjoy it (or more likely thank God) because it is the only one you are ever getting.

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I still make this face when I absolutely hate your gift. Consider yourself warned.

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Apparently somewhere in between showering me with excessive gifts and love, my parents had time to create twin boys. I am politely smiling only because they are incredible dressers and I am hoping that they turn out gay (spoiler: they didn’t).

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Incredible dressers, Exhibit B.

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And Exhibit C. Unfortunately at this point I have discovered that they are not gay and am totally over them. Too bad I am not over Laura Ashley as well.

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Then someone thought it would be an even better idea to give me a sister. I am giddy as a goose in this picture because I know my mother is getting what is coming to her for this decision. I mean… The expression! The hair! I almost feel sorry for her. (I feel sorry for all of us in regards to the jammies.)

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My parents got me a Cabbage Patch Kid when people were rioting at stores in 1983. There is no rioting at Neiman Marcus this year, dear husband… You have no excuses.

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For the love of Christ, my parents hate me.

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Hell, hate me.

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Thankfully things were looking up in this Christmas pic (though they were clearly not for my sister). I had just acquired my first bottle of Chanel nail polish (true story: you can see me wearing the “Vamp” in the picture) and apparently that made me a jumpsuit-wearing thug. PEACE!!!

Kiss.001

P.S. I REALLY want to go back and recreate some of these gems with my sibs…  Anyone game???

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Surviving the Holidays: Elf Punch 

Christmas is here.

For some that brings joy and merriment.

For others it brings complete dread. The kids are off school for winter break. You are driving six hours to sleep on a cot in your in-laws’ attic. You are without family and feeling sad and alone.

Whatever you are feeling, there is one thing that is both crucial AND wonderful about the holidays: the ability to drink yourself into a total stupor at 11am. This year I tested out a batch cocktail that can be made with total ease, appeals to both men and women and is seasonal to boot.

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I made this “Elf Punch” for a holiday party we had a week ago and it was delish.  I had six glasses of it and everyone else… well, I don’t really remember if they drank it or liked it. But I did, so that’s that.

Here is the detailed recipe if you prefer not to craft a cocktail from a pretty picture:

INGREDIENTS

28 oz. cranberry juice, plus 2 cups fresh cranberries
8 oz. bourbon
4 oz. sweetened lime juice, plus 3 sliced limes
3 oz. cinnamon-flavored syrup
4 12 oz. bottles lager beer

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Place cranberries in a bundt pan and pour over 4 cups hot water; freeze until set (the hot water will freeze clear), about 2 hours.

2. Combine juices, bourbon, and syrup in a large punch bowl; stir to combine. Unmold frozen ice ring and float in punch; top with beer and sliced limes.

3. Drink until you like your family.

Kiss.001

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Switch the Sriracha! 

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It is true.  You never know you have a problem until you run out of something: drugs, alcohol, credit line… hot sauce? News of sriracha shipping delays have been hitting the newswire, causing foodies everywhere to sweat (even more than when enjoying the sauce!).  But I could care less.  Because I am immune to the powers of a great sauce? No! Because I found a superior product several months ago – Dark Star Hot Sauce.

I consume Dark Star on eggs, pizza, pasta, avocado. I splash it in soups, salad dressing and bloody mary cocktails. I have gone through EIGHT bottles of this stuff in only a handful of months. I have a problem. Throw it in with binge shopping and I now have two problems I am not willing to give up.

While sriracha is a lot of heat, I find that it really lacks in substantive flavor. Dark Star is rich and savory. It has deep garlic undertones and the ability to make ANY dish better. Try some of these with it and I guarantee you will be hooked:

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{1: deviled eggs, 2: guacamole, 3: bloody mary, 4: popcorn, 5: brussels sprouts, 6: meatballs}

Or just squirt it in your mouth, like I do, when you need a fix. I won’t judge.

Kiss.001

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Black Out 

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{1: Suede over-the-knee boots, 2: Sony Playstation 4, 3: Lacquer bib, 4: Deco Noir watch, 5: Lucra L148}

You all know that there is not much I love more than COLOR.  It begs for your attention… Look at me! Look at me! Which is why it is so strange that a completely black surface would do exactly the same. Maybe because it is so rare to see black without a pop of metallic, that start black is so incredibly stunning and unparalleled in chic.

And with us deep in the trenches of holiday parties and treats, the most important feature of black has to be its ability to slenderize. Color, I have not abandoned you. I am just in mourning for my once (moderately) unbloblike figure.

Kiss.001

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Home for the Holidays 

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{top row – from left to right: Holiday Tree Fort, Christmas banner and pinwheels, family pic; middle row: glass ornaments, duct tape fireplace with needlepoint stockings, silver Christmas tree; bottom row: needlepoint pillow, ornament tree and art by Ashley Longshore, faux taxidermy with felt garland}

Despite being a really poor blogger over the past few weeks, I never abandoned social media. Instagram is my absolute favorite to use. I love posting little snippets of my life and loves there. So if you are ever needing a Frenemom fix, you are sure to find me there!

Lately I have been posting holiday pics like mad, especially my home’s holiday decor. Normally I don’t much get into decorating for anything but day-to-day but this year I have been feeling much more Christmasy (maybe it is all of the effing snow?!).

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Of all of the items I have sprinkled throughout my home, I think that my pinwheels, garland, wreath and pillows (duh) are my favorites.  Most important to me is that the decorations have COLOR (duh again). But that can be found at almost any price point! Some of my favorite treasures have been found at Target - they never cease to amaze me with their creativity at low cost.  I have also found Land of Nod to be a great source for colorful decorations for the holidays (my pinwheels are sold as birthday decor!) – some of which I plan on keeping up after the new year passes.

What are your holiday decor favorites? What new things are you trying out this year?

Kiss.001

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